Saturday, February 8, 2014


Today was one of the worst days of my life.  I've never had a day where I just can't freaking move.  I can't catch my breath.  I'm really struggling to go to bed...and I can't sleep. I'm crying for no reason. I'm literally sitting here not able to do anything but type this.

I need a drink: it's not a want...I need to drink tonight.  I think I'm just laying on the couch at this point because if I get up, I'm just going to get really drunk.  I have to be semi functional tomorrow and I'm really not sure how to do that.  I'm in a really wierd ass place in my life right now and I just don't get it.  

I struggled today- I couldn't even look the customers in the eyes today. I didn't have the answers today...I took a break for 10 minutes only to look in the mirror and wonder why in the hell I was wasting my life in this fucking job.  I'm looking in the mirror wondering who the mother fucker is that is staring back at me.  

It's 1230 and I can't fucking move.  My body is telling me to fuck off and my mind is playing fucking tricks on me.  I had a customer that came in tonight right at close that really fucked my mind up completely.  It's amazing how a scent, or a sound can really be a HUGE mind fuck. 

I don't feel ANYTHING....I just don't fucking care anymore.  I don't care about doing a good job at work. I don't care about taking care of anything at home. I don't care about taking care of myself.  I took a couple days off to try and take care of myself this week and honestly, it just doesn't really matter.  I just don't care.  I've hit the point where there isn't anyting that I can do.

I'm just sitting here listening to's not working like it normally does.  I fucking give up. I'm done trynig to 'better myself' or make other people believe that I'm something that I'm not.  I'm a fat fucking slob.  I wasted so much time during my life doing what other people wanted me to do... I wish that I had some sort of motivation to do something but right now, I can't do anything.

I had plans for tonight but I can't do any of them.  I'm utterly destroyed today. There's no lesson here...there's nothing- I just want to be gone.  It's all fucking pointless.  

Tuesday, January 7, 2014

Days go by

I'm using a sick day.  I couldn't tell you when the last time was that i used one...I really can't.  My kids are home with me, so that makes this day go even slower.  I just wanted to sleep it away...but that isn't happening. 

We played quite a bit of disney infinity today.  I'm not sure why I waste so much time with that game but it's been a lot of fun.  I need to play the crap out of skylanders as well but, I bought it on XBOX ONE not to long ago.  I am not feeling very well today...but I really want to get a few hours of gaming in.  I'm going to play some PS4 tonight I think...or maybe some additional PS3 games that I need to catch up on.  

Thursday, January 2, 2014

Happy New Year...Day 2

I skipped writing on New Year's Day because I decided to spend some time with my kids being goofy.  I woke up this morning, and we have 2+ inches of wet snow causing all kinds of road issues.  I wasn't supposed to be at work til noon today.  But I had to make sure that a number of other things got taken care of and to be honest, I just don't expect anyone else to do them because if I've hit the wall, I'm sure they have too.  

It was nice to have a couple of days off to play with the nice in fact that I drove back home to spend a little more time with the oldest one today.  We played some CAT MARIO ;) for the first time.  Nintendo needs to find a better way to market their console...or put their games out on other consoles because that game is fun and I just don't see anyone rushing out to get a wii U just to play it.

When it comes to work, I have a pretty tough choice that I have to make.  Take LESS MONEY, and get closer to home again...or keep pushing forward and working towards what appears to be an ENDLESS goal of wanting to move up on the "corporate ladder" (have I mentioned that I'm afraid of standing my fat ass on a ladder?"

This choice bothered me a lot over the course of the last couple of days.... mainly because two out of my three or four closest co-workers have left and I'm still not sure if I fit in amoungst the remaining members of the team that I am currently on.  There are a couple of them that I just don't understand why they even have the job that they do.  I mean really, if you have ZERO interest in gaming, why bother to be miserable for the entire month of November, and December?  (and into January for that matter) 

I don't understand why we as people put ourselves into situations where we are unhappy, and do nothing about getting out of said situation.  I'm actively looking at different options when it comes to my career and I'm always looking at possible change in scenery.  I have one 'co-worker' that has an incredible amount of talent when it comes to art...but he also doesn't market it the right way.  "no one wants to buy the crap that I make." That could sell to some people but, the reality is that, while he makes some fucked up looking shit, some of it is going to be really interesting to someone out there and I think that if he peddled those wares someone would want them.  

I'm currently working on a gaming/story project.  I want to make something that is somewhat of a role playing game, which is funny because I suck at them... but I like the stories that usually come with them.  I have a cast of characters (all with crappy names) that I'm going to progress with as this year goes on.  I want to set up a class based system too...but I really have to take my head out of my ass long enough to get the ideas all put together and a storyline written.  I was pretty frustrated last year because the game that I had been "putting on paper" was basically announced and released by someone else.  (because I'm too fn slow to do anythinng with my current job)

more to follow...tomorrow  (I may start my guitar in 60 days goal tomorrow night also ;) 

Monday, December 16, 2013

Sleep, it's supposed to make you feel better

We got rid of our cats this weekend.  I relief because I think it's making my daughter's issues go away but upsetting for me because now, there isn't anything in my house that gives a shit if I'm alive or dead.  

I can say that with 100% certainty that there is no doubt that my family doesn't even know that I exist and could care less if I were even alive at this point in the game.  If I didn't bring home a 'pay check' I'd be completely worthless to the world.  I still feel pretty worthless as it is. 

I had a plan put together in order to come up with some interesting christmas things this year and I may actually be able to pull them off.  I really love my gaming rig... I do.  It just doesn't fit with the family dynamic that we have in our house right now.  My son loves it, but doesn't get to play that much and the 'baby mama' thinks that the house looks as though "no females live in this house".  She's probably right but, I have spent a lot of time thinking that I don't feel like I fit in, or belong here.  (That being said, I feel alone in rooms FULL of people) 

I have a couple life changing events that are going to be taking place soon.  I have to have pretty major surgery in January..... and I'm going to struggle to function at any sort of normal level for about a week or so, and then after that, it's going to be multiple weeks before my body wiill be at 100%. 12/16/2013

Today has been RUFF

I saw a meme not that long ago that had a picture of a dog sitting on the couch that said "TODAY HAS BEEN RUFF"  That would explain today TO THE T!  I'm freaking exhausted and I'm only half way through my shift. 

I just took my lunch break in order to get out of the store for a few minutes.  I have about 2 million different things that I need to get done today and it just isn't happening.  I still have to get something for my daughter for xmas... not that it really matters (she's not even 1 yet) I just have to make sure that SANTA brings her something equally as cool as what the boy is getting this year. 

I'm finishing this blog 2 days later.... which I guess is why I haven't blogged much in the last year or so.  My life consists of me working, showering, shaving (on occasion) and sleeping.  I try to eat somewhere in there also.  I'm excited because I'm down to a 40 waist.  Still fat yes, but a far cry from the 48 that I was rocking there for a while.  Sometimes we have to celebrate the little things...even when they are still 40 inches;) 

I'm eating at one of the local Chinese establishments today.  I enjoy the food but mainlly I come here because I enjoy hearing the people scream at one another when they talk.  They always sound so angry.  I know that they don't like me when I come in because I have specific needs when it comes to my foods.  I used to come here fairly regularly but I stopped for a while because I felt as though they really weren't interested in having me 'eat in' and they obviously want me to do carry out.  I don't like to carry out food just to sit and eat by myself....again. 

I realized today that the reason that so many retail managers don't hang in the game that long is because of the assholes that shop in their stores one time a year.  The majority of customers feel as though they are entitled to something when they come into a though it is their birthright to treat me like a fucking peasant.  In the last week I've been called: asshole, fag, loser, a lier, and accused of 'holding all of the PS4s for my friends so they can get theirs' 

1.  All of my friends have the ps4...the ones that want one anyway.
2.  I make more money, if I sell more stuff... let me tell people the TRUTH for once;) ...I want to sell you the shit that I have in stock.  The more I sell, the less that I have to restock ;)
3. My sexual orrientation has nothing to do with the availability of something at Christmas.  I'm glad that i'm not offended by the term fag.  It's probably because of all the gay friends that I have that call eachother 'silly fag' all the time ;) 
4.I am a loser- Beck said it best "I'm a loser baby, so why don't you kill me" 
5. I'm an ASSHOOOOOOLE!  Definately I'm an ASSHOLE. I was told if I was nicer, I would get free beer.  Guess I need to work on that a little bit.

While I was typing this, I got a TEXT saying that Mack Brown was stepping down as the coach at Texas.  I wonder if they would consider me for the job lol I'd love to coach...although I'm better at coaching soccer than football.  

Wednesday, October 2, 2013

Back to Blogging?

I was sitting here at home, thinking about the LACK of BLOGGING that has taken place in my time over the corse of the last year or so...and I was thinking that I might want to get back to it...

Did I take a day off today? I get about one day off a week.  It should be two but I tend to work in some capacity on my day off. That being said, I worked today, ON MY DAY OFF.  I have to redo the schedule for next week and get it to the store so it can be entered ASAP. 

I'm working on a couple of things around the house, including getting my desk/studio set back up and running.  I'm pretty sure over the course of the next few months I'm going to get back in to recording and singing a little bit more.  

I haven't really BLOGGED since the release of the two new consoles either and I'm spending a little bit of time playing them both so, I should probably talk a little bit about them I guess.  I'm working on trying to improve my LIVE/WORK BALANCE.  I'm not doing to well with that right now because the new consoles are "WORK RELATED".  I'm mainly playing in order to know what to tell my customers about the games.  

It's funny to listen to the two extremes on the Call of Duty Ghosts front.  Some people are hatin on it...and others are all about it.  I'm hanging in the middle right now but, I don't campaign at all I'm just playing the multiplayer and the squads.  I don't do much single player gaming at all so the multiplayer is where it's at for me.  I've been spending most of my time with Ghosts on the XBONE...although I have it for both systems at this point.  I'm not sure what I'm going to be putting into this game when it comes to time but I know that on Christmas morning I'll play because it's like shooting fish in a barrell ;) 

I'm struggling to play much of anything right now though... I still have to finish Ryse:Son of Rome, and I'm sure I'll fight my way through BF4's campaign since I started that already.  I have a ton of games on the list of games to play but I just haven't dug through all of them.

I'm playing a lilttle bit of NCAA FOOTBALL 14 on the PS3 still...I really enjoy that game.  I used to put countless of hours into seems to always be my fallback when I can't think of anything else that I'd rather play. 
Side note my days and night's run together so I'm going to be posting off and on, sometimes it will probably be in the middle of the night.
I'm going to hop off of here and play a little bit of COD now to try and unlock some additonal stuff ;) The unlock system is by far the most frustrating for me because I feel like I should be unlocking things a little faster than I am.  

*off for now*


Monday, August 12, 2013

3E tsrif snoisserpmi - E3 First Impressions

I spent the majority of my day stuck behind the cash wrap.  Most of my time was spent with "soccer mom"...some of my time was spent with "value gamer" but I got to share in a little excitement with the "hardcore crew" and watch them all GEEK OUT over a few of the upcoming titles.  

I didn't get home in time to watch anything LIVE.  I honestly didn't care to watch the events today because I knew that I was going to be getting fed a ton of information and I knew that 'my boys' would hook me up with the info as the "important stuff" came to light.  

It's now 1am and I'm doing just a little bit of 'reflecting' on what happened today.  

XBONE- $499.99
PS4- $399.99 

I think there is some interesting tactics in play here, Sony knew that going after MS they had a chance to drop a couple bombs based on what the XBONE was going to offer.   The no DRM and the $399 price point are HUGE....the question has to become which way to go with certain games.  I'm going to struggle because I have friends on each side of the fence and I'm not sure who is going to have the better overall online experience.  I am very interested in seeing how these really work out.  I want to play COD...and I want to play some BF4....ON BOTH CONSOLES.  

I want to get my hands on the freaking controllers.  I can't wait til conference in order to get the controllers in my hand.  I need to get a feel for the new controllers in my hand.  After seeing the BF4 multiplayer trailer, I want to put the   

I'm excited about the future of console gaming.  I have to say that I'm really looking forward to seeing what some of the 3rd party teams are going to put together for this coming generation.  I love the concepts behind some of the NEW IPs and I think that there is a great opportunity for people to get their names out there on the INDIE scene as well. 

Monday, January 9, 2012

Suicide Blitz

The excitement of NFL BLITZ coming back had me wanting to get back on the field and crush the AI. I paid 15 bucks on the psn for this game. A cheap price to pay for a game that I pumped about 1 million quarters into as I was growing up.

I played 2 games so far...and it still has the old blitz feel. I still tend to use the suicide blitz a couple of times to many. I will play a few of the new game modes and I'll post some more to this as a add on later today.